The Calculus Hater’s Home Page

cal.cu.lus \-l*s\ \-.li-, -.le-\ n or cal.cu.li also cal.cu.lus.es [L, pebble, stone in the bladder or kidney, stone used in reckoning] pl. a concretion usually of mineral salts around organic material found especially in hollow organs or ducts archaic.

 

In the summer of 1665, Isaac Newton first came up with the idea of calculus*, after being hit over the head with a soft, blunt object. If it had been a hard blunt object, he may have forgotten the whole idea, and thus would have saved millions of college students from much excruciating pain and suffering. Unfortunately he didn’t, and after publishing most of his findings, suffered a nervous breakdown in 1693. Now in 2005 he is best known for the small fig pastry that is named after him*.

I don’t like calculus teachers. They always are trying to educate you, and make your life better. What kind of garbage is that? We should be able to live ignorant lives, not knowing how to find the maximum profit a company can make, how an airplane works, how fast bacteria can divide, or what the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow is*! And those that don’t care about educating their students, what kind of stupidity is that? They work in a college, their purpose should be teaching, and not researching stuff that might help the human race.

And what about calculus students? Always whining about taking tests, and learning new things. Never admitting that they actually are partly responsible for taking the class, and trying to blame the system for their own choices. Why would a student in the first place try to take something that would challenge their mind?

They should be sitting on a couch watching TV, flatulating, with a beer in their hand! And who the hell would try to blame someone who is dead for creating something that has helped people live better lives? Only some moronic bastard who was a calculus student!

And do you know what I hate most! I hate people who hate things for no good reason! Who are so closed minded, that they don’t even see their own eyes. If I ever met a hypocrite like that, I’d have to make a hate page for them!

 

Now that I have offended everyone,
please sign my Guest Book, and don’t win anything!

I at one time had a calculus book that I was raffling off to entice people to sign my guest book. But that was a few years back, and someone won it, and I still haven’t gotten around to sending it to him. So once I finally send the guy my old calculus book (I had to get the new edition, I had taken the class so many times), I might have another giveaway. But for now you don’t get anything, except a place to vent, or flame me*, or make an interesting point, or express yourself in a manner you choose. You can either go to the official guest book, or if you want it private, you can e-mail me at jacob@ihatecalculus.com.You may also want to read my FAQ, that answers some of the most common questions I get.

 

How to Survive your Calculus Class

calculus@internet This site has some great links about all kinds of Calculus Subjects.
The Integrator This site has a great Integral Calculator, brought to you by Mathematica.
Mr. Kelly’s AP Calculus Home Page He is one of the Three Calculus Horsemen, who will also answer your calculus questions. They also have a cool theme song.
Karl’s Calculus Tutor This guy is pretty cool, and knows his stuff. He has several pages that help people with they Calculi.
Automatic Calculus Solutions This website apparently will solve your calculus problems, and give you a complete step by step process explained in english about how to reach the solution. It is free, for now at least.
The useless Calculus page For being a useless page, it has some very useful calculators.
Learning Calculus Some tips on succeeding in your calculus class
Mr. Calculus A guy who will answer your calculus questions. (Poor Altruistic Dope)
MicroRacer’s Calculus Guides These are 2 guides for Calculus I and II in MS Word Format.

Books That Might Help In Your Struggle and Torment

5 Free Calculus Text Books How am I supposed to make any money off of Amazon if they make FREE Textbooks?  (And worse, how am I supposed to make money when I stupidly put a link to all the frickin’ books!)
Calculus Without Limits – Almost This book is free to download for classroom use only, but you can not copy or distribute it.   John C. Sparks, the author, kindly emailed me about this.  He said “Have your web visitors help themselves to the resources that the USAF offers”.  And I figured that the military mine as well do us some good, so download away.  You can also buy a dead tree version if you wish.
Who is Fourier? This book is one of the best books on Calculus. I would recommend it for anyone taking Pre-Calc, or the first semester of Calculus. If you don’t buy this book, and you don’t understand calculus, then you should stop bitching, because it makes things pretty damn easy. In fact even I liked the book, and I’m the author of the “Calculus Hater’s Home Page”
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Calculus Michael Kelley is a funny guy. I mean he isn’t as funny as I am, but still he is pretty funny. And not only is he strange, but he also can make you laugh! And this book does a pretty good job at that. And amazingly in the process you also learn this subject that is also kind of funny or at least weird by any sane person’s standards.

So if you are a complete idiot or a dumb ass or at least feel that way then read this book. Maybe you’ll learn something, you never know.

P.S. – If you are thinking about becoming a teacher you really should read his Rookie Teachers for Dummies book.  It is really good, and he didn’t even put me up to writing this review.

How to Ace Calculus:
The Streetwise Guide
I only recently found out about this book. It seems as if it was written after my own heart, as a subversive math book. In fact in the reviews one of the Math Teachers complain that it makes Calculus too easy, so that they don’t get “Repeat Customers” (Failed Students who need to continue to pay to take the course).
How to Ace the Rest of Calculus From the same authors who brought you the original Streetwise Guide, this book will help you out with your second and third semester of calculus.
Master the AP Calculus AB & BC Finally there is a good book about how to pass the AP calculus test, filled with complete examples showing EVERY step, and two practice tests, this book is great. While I forget the authors name off hand, I know he also wrote another book that I liked and did the most cool page: “Mr. Kelly’s AP Calculus Home Page” (Have you noticed by now that I have a lot of Top Picks?)
Calculus Made Easy Well, I haven’t read this book, nor have I seen anything but the reviews. But they all looked good. So instead of whining to me about not being able to learn calculus. Why don’t you read this or the Fourier book instead?
Calculus By And For Young People This is another book, it has 2 covers, and some pages with writing on them in between. The Author wanted me to put a link to his book a long time ago. I’m not convinced that it is a great book, but I get a small kick back if you buy it.. So feel free to purchase.
Other Books of Interest These are books that other visitor’s to this site have purchased, so do what everyone else is doing and buy one of them. (Or all of them)

Calculus Haters of the World Converge!

Blather This is a weird dream like site with many hyperlinks that made me all confused.  But I’m bitter now…  Oh, I mean better now.
“CatPaw” There are many blogs, but there is only one Guide to the Inevitably Insane (Beta)
Corkscrew Other than the fact that they admit calculus is valuable to society…  Oh, wait, I did that too.
Jochen Denzler I can dig this Calculus Teacher, while he doesn’t hate Calculus, he does hate the books!
Amelia Earhart Wow!  Even someone pretending to be a dead famous person hates Calculus!  (And so do a lot of other teens crying out for help.)
Kyle Boyd A well done journal entry.
Magz Cheng Her blog says it all..
Dejichan A Chilean Deviant Anime Artist writes of the horror
KayTang999 A biochemically former aerospace engineer computer scientist wannabe is confused.
Zach Loder And you thought all Trekkies would love this vile subject?
Kat Reitz Wrote a story about hating calculus.
Jason “Smitter” Smit Top 10 reasons (+/- 1) to hate calculus. (This can be confused with a top 10 list)
Tausha Tasha is 17 AND hates math.
Ymahatma Short, Simple, and Hairy.  Don’t let that stop you from reading her other stuff.
Jacob Walker I still don’t know if he really hates calculus, or if he just pretends to, so he can get a link from this page.

For Further Study

Isaac Newton A biography after my own heart.
“I Love Calculus” Someone actually loves the subject?
Calculus Wind An ode to calculus as it were, by the now defunct Death Metal Group “Calculus”
Spinozistic Calculus Calculus could actually help us be better human beings?
“The Spread of [a] Disease” Straight from a real text book.
Jacob’s Math Page From the creator of the Calculus Hater’s Homepage, comes another page about his views on math in general.

Other Interesting Sites

Psyberware Communications Although they don’t hate calculus, they are an extremely cool Internet Service Provider, that now has National Phone Numbers.
KVMR This is a shameless plug for what has to be one of the best radio stations in the world. Whether you like or dislike calculus, this page, or myself, if you want to hear interesting music that you will never hear on commercial or most public radio stations, go to there website and listen to their webcast, or if you live in Northern California, tune into 89.5 FM. You might even here me broadcasting.
Amazon.com Well, I joined the “Associates” program with Amazon, because I’m a capitalistic pig, so if you click this link, and buy something. I get Moola! So click away, baby! BTW, Amazon is an evil mega corp, if you didn’t realize that already.